IN THE NIGHT — satsuki shibuya . journal

Where does one start to share intense, internal experiences? Questions arise if anyone truly cares to hear or read? But perhaps what I'm learning most is that the more we share our experiences with each other, it allows for growth, change and camaraderie as we are all connected by our human journeys.

I've been battling with health issues for a long time now. It is no secret that sometimes in the digital realm, things seem more perfect than is in reality. In my case, there are days when I'm floating on cloud 9 and days, like today, where I lie in bed, barely able to move.

Before, these types of days would be a sign of defeat, where laying here would equate to helplessness, seeing the world go by and wondering why I am not a normal, functioning, 30-something year old, adventuring, seeking, and chasing dreams full force.

But I've found that we all have our own life rhythm, a pace that works best for us and our journey. For myself, it has been about surrendering, letting go, and embracing all of what life has to offer in whatever shape or form it may present itself. To fly when the body is able and be still when needing healing. To listen more with the heart and letting go of external definitions of what it means to exist.

Yesterday night, around 5:30am, I abruptly awoke to excruciating abdominal pain. In the dark, while curled up in a ball, on the cold, tile floor of the bathroom, sweating profusely, overheating, teeth chattering from the shaking, I found myself holding tight onto a mind that is all too familiar with jumping off into never never land — a spiral down into darkness where only negative thoughts reside. Yes, these incidences happen once in awhile, but when it does, I am pushed to the edge spiritually, mentally, physically, and psychologically. 

I have a morning practice consisting of meditation, reading, journaling and exercising. On good days, which seem to be increasing in numbers, my entire being is filled with energy, enthusiasm, and peace. All is good in the world and being able to live normally feels beyond a luxury. This ritual flows into the work that I do and all ties together seamlessly. But when times such as yesterday emerge, I am challenged to see if what I practice and what I share with others, is truth. 

At first, meditation did not work as the pain continued to invade my concentration. Breathing meditation became choppy within seconds as I hyperventilated, but continued, from different angles, while asking the Universe, Angels and Ascended Masters for guidance, to help me through another episode. Then, a shift took place.

What was different this time around was what happened after. A few minutes past the conversation with the Universe, I had an internal, primal, instinctual, flash, one that perhaps some might experience when facing death. A moment of clearance — pain, confusion, agony dispersed and an immediate knowing emerged of pure love. The realization that nothing else in the world mattered except pure love. Not one's title, the thoughts others have of you, the little quarrels that we encounter on the day to day basis, our mile-long to-do lists. Only one thing emerged, as clear as day. Through all that we experience in life, at the core of our being, we are created from, moved with and exist through love.

All of a sudden, I saw a light at the center of my heart, a symbol of my soul, and all things radiating out from this point. I knew then that no matter what happens in life, love must be at the center of all things — actions, thoughts, words — and to never forget why I do what I do, to share love, not by anyone else's standards, but by my own, genuine way of expression.

Although this episode lasted for nearly 3 hours, after all was said and done, the storm passed and sleep came once again.

All of our intense human experiences are never good or bad, but a moment where we are given a choice to choose whether we continue down our current path or move on to another. A time of intense reflection while experiencing head on the decisions we make, second by second. A life altering moment as long as we can stay connected to our souls.