i think i've found my creative home. no, let me be honest, get over my fear and just say it, i have found my creative home. there. i've said it. my fear? of saying something and then things changing, but i'm letting go of that notion. there are no absolutes in life. nothing is permanent. everything is a possibility. so i guess i can rephrase this to: I have found my creative home, for now, but feels pretty permanent. (ha!)
i've always been told to "make up my mind" or that i need to "figure out my one path and just go with it." my soul, for as long as i could remember, has been curious, needing to find out first hand how something works & always wanting to try out another interest. i've tried so many different career paths & remember my parents saying, "you're changing, again?!" but i couldn't stand doing something with the feeling of so-so in my heart. i wanted to do something that i loved, not just liked.
i tried fashion design, music, singing/songwriting, acting, modeling, music law, international business, motion graphics, ceramics, textile designer, piano instructor... and a few others that i can't quite remember off the top of my head right now, but as much as i liked doing these things, it just didn't feel like the right fit. it was as if i was trying on different outfits, all fashionable and great, but nothing quite feeling like "me".
then last year, out of no where, i had the sudden urge to go on hiatus. well, perhaps not out of no where as it was more of a voice, a knowing, but i'll diverge into that another time. although deep inside i knew it was something i needed to do, i couldn't figure out why. i would ask myself, "ok, so if i do go on hiatus, what is it that i'm supposed to do?" after a few months of asking, this time, a feeling came and said, "you need to paint." PAINT?! ok, let me just preface by saying that i've never once had an urge to paint. i did take some art classes when i was younger, but painting was never something that stuck with me.
so for months, i danced around the thought. paint... paint. why? and if so, what do i paint? i tried other mediums that were more familiar to me to see if perhaps this "feeling" was just that... a feeling. nothing more, but just as i had suspected, all the things i tried felt good, but not perfect, as if the tires of the train track were not exactly aligning to the railings. i could see the visual in my heart's eyes where what i was doing was not in line with where my soul was wanting to go, but i couldn't trust something i was not able to see.
finally, after many months of doing different things, i decided to give it a whirl. i tried acrylic at first, then gouache, colored pencils. all were ok, but something still wasn't clicking. then on a whim, i tried watercolor and BAM! IT HIT ME. like the feeling of love at first sight. the knowing that he/she is the one. it was the most interesting and freeing feeling i've ever had with a medium.
i couldn't stop painting. everything that the brush stroke shared upon the paper, i loved. nothing felt like a mistake. everything looked beautiful. coming from a perfectionist, this was a revelation! it was as if i was looking into my own heart and at the same time communicating through the brush and paper the deepest, most freest part of my soul. if there is such a thing as talking without words, this was it for me. i lost track of time when i painted. i could feel myself slowly letting go of the things that have been encapsulating my inner being. it felt like i was breaking free.
& so here i am. i'm not sure where this is leading me, but i've never felt so sure about something so unsure in my life and loving every minute of it.
and with all this shared, i just needed to say that.... you just never know. the one thing that you may have been avoiding/brushing off/ignoring could just be the thing that your soul desires to feel whole. i used to think when people would say that they "loved" to do something, perhaps it was just a very deep like, but now i know that you can truly love what you do. if you are in search of the thing(s) that you love to do, but might still be exploring, do know that whatever your inner soul tells you, is the truth coming forth. don't ignore it.
p.s. some of you have been asking me if i have any prints / originals of my work that i've been sharing here and on instagram for sale. thank you so much for your support! i am aiming to have some available in the coming months. stay tuned!
p.p.s. i'm also working on a limited edition publication, scheduled to be released end of april / beginning of may! can't wait to share!